Hours

CurbsideStill available
Monday8-6; curbside service available
Tuesday8-6; curbside service available
Wednesday8-6; curbside service available
Thursday8-8; curbside service available
Friday8-5; curbside service available
Saturday8-3; curbside service available
SundayClosed

Reviews for The State Of Affairs

by Esther Perel

Kirkus
Copyright © Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

A veteran therapist's approach to thinking about extramarital affairs."Affairs have a lot to teach us about relationshipswhat we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to," writes Perel (Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, 2006, etc.). "They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment." Using research and personal stories from her 30 years as a couples' therapist, the author dives into the world of affairs: why men and women engage in them, what many consider "innocent" behavior versus flat-out wrongdoing, the rage, jealousy, guilt, and host of other emotions that flair up once an affair is discovered, and the full recovery process, which determines whether a couple will remain together or split up. Perel examines each affair with an open attitude, trying to get to the root of why it happened and how each person involved can view the same scenario in a different light. She discusses the stigmas surrounding the words "affair" and "divorce," how the healing process has to steer away from blame and toward understanding, and how access to social media and pornography have made it far easier for people to cheat on their loved ones, sometimes while in the same room. The real-life examples and quotes from people who are working through the aftermath of a discovered affair offer insights into the sadness, betrayal, innocence, resentment, love, and denial that are part of this complex package. Perel's advice to these couples will resonate with anyone going through a similar situation, providing comfort and guidance without the need for an actual therapy session. Poignant stories of couples facing the aftermath of an affair and the highly knowledgeable analysis and advice they received from a well-trained couples' therapist. Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.


Publishers Weekly
(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

Longtime couples therapist Perel follows 2006's Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence with another provocative study of relationships. This time around she puts forth the controversial view that infidelity is ultimately beneficial to relationships, and she successfully explores the ways that affairs force partners to closely examine their attitudes about love, commitment, and sex. Make no mistake: Perel does not advocate infidelity. She dismisses the oft-used excuse that adultery is due to sex addiction and argues that emotional cheating is still cheating ("When it's no longer an exchange of kisses but an exchange of dick pics... when the secretive lunch has been replaced with a secret Facebook account, how are we to know what constitutes an affair?"). She sensibly makes the case that if the damage has already been done, it's imperative that the experience provide a way forward-whether that is to stay married or to split up. She bolsters her arguments with real-life examples from both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems. This is a thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity. (Oct.) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.


Library Journal
(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

Much of the literature on infidelity instructs readers how to repair the destruction of an affair or "affair proof" their marriage. Frank Pittman's seminal Private Lies diverged from "how-to" guide into deep study, and so does this book. Here, Perel (Mating in Captivity) looks at motives and meanings. Why do spouses cheat on one another? What values or interpersonal dynamics impact how an affair is revealed, and how does keeping or revealing secrets liberate or imprison? How does grief manifest among the betrayed, betrayer, and the lover? Most controversially, while never condoning infidelity, Perel argues that affairs can transform, and that people can aim for understanding without passing immediate judgment. Perel claims that discussing infidelity and outside sexual desires heightens intimacy and strengthens the couple's bond, making infidelity actually less likely. If we acknowledge the attraction of the forbidden and not see love as a constant, concludes Perel, we can successfully invigorate our relationships with honest communication and alluring components (passion, eroticism, unbroken attention). VERDICT Recommended for couples, therapists, religious leaders, and anyone else interested in a deep look at the meanings, devastations, and potential growth avenues from infidelity.-Jennifer M. Schlau, Elgin Community Coll., IL © Copyright 2017. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.


Book list
From Booklist, Copyright © American Library Association. Used with permission.

Does infidelity include online pornography, sex chats, strip clubs, one-night stands? Opportunities to cheat are all around us. Therapist Perel uses years of private sessions and numerous Internet exchanges to turn a compassionate eye on the meanings and makings of affairs. She begins with background on marriage, noting that it has evolved from the cornerstone or foundations of couples' lives to the capstone or culmination of their life experiences. At a time when everyone feels entitled to security as well as adventure in marriage, infidelity is on the rise, despite the electronic trails that make it fairly easy to spot. Perel uses her experiences to explain common reactions to infidelity, ways to use jealousy to revive relationships, possible reasons for these actions, and how to move beyond the betrayal. The examples she provides include American and international couples, gay and straight relationships. Perel's goal here is not to condone cheating on partners but rather to help readers feel compassion both for the victim and the perpetrator, and offer strategies for addressing this complex issue.--Smith, Candace Copyright 2017 Booklist

Back